It's getting harder and harder for me to do even the simplest things. A "trip" to the bathroom leaves me exhausted and gasping for breath. I just want to stay in bed, but at the same time I feel so frustrated at not being able to do anything. When I'm lying here I think about how easy it would be to do some simple thing, and then I try and find that I can't do it, which leaves me feeling even more frustrated. I don't know how long I will continue to get weaker and weaker; I'm already almost totally bedridden. I guess I should start doing some things, like brushing my teeth, in bed, as it is so tiring just to stand at the bathroom sink.
At least I've stopped wetting the bed. That left me feeling so humiliated--it's such a basic loss of control. Marty had to change the sheets yesterday, which is hard for him. When Laurel is here tomorrow I'll have her wash all the stuff that got wet. I also think I should start having some adult diapers in the house--that's humiliating, too, but not as bad as a wet bed.
We were up very late last night, till about two; it was one of those times when I was too upset to want to go to sleep. So we slept late this morning, till about nine. I'm feeling tired now--I've been coughing all day, unlike most days when I usually stop coughing after a couple of hours. I've got sore muscles in my chest from all this coughing. I spoke to one of the hospice nurses a little while ago, who suggested that I increase my morphine and take a nebulizer treatment, which has helped a little bit.
We had a good time with the Times crossword puzzle, which was very clever, although we figured out the trick pretty quickly. It's good that we can still share this pleasure together--there's so little else that we do for fun these days. Marty is under so much pressure and I hate to add to it, but at the same time I need his help for more and more things. I'm so lucky that he has the patience to put up with me when I'm so needy.