The seder

I had to stay in bed with the bi-pap on most of the afternoon, so it fell on Marty to get everything ready. He got some very pretty paper plates with flowers on them--very springlike--and used some of my beautiful etched glass stemware for the wine. I had hoped to shower and dress, but I just put on my robe and came and sat at the table for awhile during part of the reading of the Haggadah, then went back to bed (and back on the bi-pap) for awhile, and then got up again to make the gravy and have turkey. I wasn't sure how the matzo meal would work as a thickener, but the gravy thickened up beautifully, and the high temperature cooking results in wonderfully browned drippings with lots of flavor. I ate some turkey, gravy, and vegetables, then went back to bed before the desserts. It was pretty late by the time everyone went home, so we ended up not going to sleep till after one, but then slept till about nine.

I've been managing without the bi-pap so far today, so I'm hoping that in a little while I'll get up and take a shower and have Ann comb my hair, so I can get dressed and go with Marty to his friends Lee and Sherry. I'm very weak, but I want to do this. I have limited supplies of energy and have to decide how to spend them, but this is something I want to do, even if it means spending several more days in bed.

Thursday is usually massage day, but Lisa isn't coming till tomorrow because of Passover. Also, in another switch, Kathy was here today instead of Friday because she is taking off Friday for Easter preparations. She says I should continue to take as much morphine and ativan as necessary to be comfortable.

I feel blue and discouraged today. A step downward is difficult to adjust to. I lie in bed and think about things that I could do, and then I get up to go to the bathroom or get something from the fridge and realize just how weak I am and how I just need to get back to bed.