Another step downward

It's getting harder and harder to breathe. Last night, before I put on the bi-pap mask, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as I was laboring to breathe, and this morning when I took it off to have some breakfast it started again. I called Kathy, who told me to put the mask back on and do a nebulizer treatment, and to take ativan and morphine as needed. She stopped by to check me out, and when I asked her if I had taken another step downwards, she said it certainly seemed that way. But she also said she expected I'd hit another plateau, so I guess I will slowly get used to doing a bit less and being even weaker than before.

Poor Marty is preparing for tonight's seder while also taking care of me. He's trying to make it easy for himself by having the guests (I think he's invited about six people) bring a lot of the food. He's going to roast a turkey, using the wonderful quick high-temperature method I got from Gourmet a few years ago, and he's also making the haroseth (a mixture of chopped apples, walnuts, honey, and wine). I said I would make the gravy, but he reminded me that I can't use flour (non-Kosher for passover) so it's going to be interesting to see if I can thicken gravy with matzo meal. At least, I'm hoping I feel strong enough to do that and to sit at the table at least part of the time. It would also be nice to be showered and dressed. And I'm also hoping that by tomorrow I'll be up to going to his friends' house for the second seder. We went last year and although I had to lie on the couch part of the time, it was nice to be welcomed and I want to do it again. But I'll just have to see how I feel tomorrow.

Gilbert, who is very sensitive to how I'm feeling, has been cuddling with me a lot, although at the moment he's down at the far corner of the bed. Funny, but just as I typed that he came and lay on my stomach. He has a way of totally relaxing his body and just draping himself across me, which I find very comforting. Oliver is cuddly too, but not nearly as much as Gilbert, and right now I've had to chase Oliver away a few times because I have a can of ginger ale with a straw (the only way I can drink with the mask on), and he is intent on stealing the straw! He's not terribly interested in a straw if you just give it to him--for some reason he has to steal it out of whatever one of us is drinking, usually making a mess in the process!

The other day I spent a few hours sewing a little dress for my little white bear, Bo-Bo, and now I'm waiting for Evelyn to help me figure out how to make a vest for Pinkypine, which is a little beyond my limited sewing talents. I knew exactly how I wanted to make the dress and basically it worked out as I had thought--a tube of cloth for the bodice, two tiny spaghetti straps (turning them right side out was the hardest part), and at the bottom a ruffle of tulle. She looks adorable. Julie and Evelyn picked out some beige fabric for Pinkypine's vest, which will look nice with his brown fur. Once it's made I may try trimming it with some embroidery.

A new New Yorker and a Vanity Fair arrived today, so I have lots of stuff to read. And I'm sure, with the extra morphine, I'll also be taking a nap.