Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Struggling with decline

I think I've been on a plateau this last little while, but now it feels like things are starting to tend downwards again, and I'm having a lot of trouble with that. It means being even more dependent on people, which is hard. Today I'm really going to try to work with Ann on the bed mess--the housecleaners put stuff in neat, but meaningless stacks yesterday (while Marty and I were out at acupuncture and lunch), but some of those are now on the floor, gettting knocked off when I rolled over. I don't really remember going to sleep last night--I never put on my C-pap machine or even took off my glasses! (At some point in the middle of the night I awoke briefly and discovered I was still wearing them, but I didn't realize about the machine till the morning.)

I guess the time has come to move the computer into the bedroom and set it up on the little table that fits over my legs when I'm sitting up, but I don't want to do that until all the other stuff is off the bed. Organizing has never been my strongpoint, and now it seems more difficult than ever. I did pay my credit card bills on line yesterday (a few days before the due date), and yesterday I deposited Howie's check so I can mail the mortgage check today. I need to draw some money out of the retirement account, which I'm reluctant to do but is now clearly necessary.

If only everything weren't so hard! But there are practicalities that need to be dealt with. Jim Henderson finally has all the signed documents for the will and the trust, but he can't set up the trust until the mortgage guy lets me know the status of the refi, and he was sick last week. And I still have to do the prepaid cremation thing--another detail that seems easy, but is emotionally difficult. Right now I think I'll go have some breakfast and read the papers.

Marty is taking Oliver to the vet this morning--he's developed a big bald spot on his hip, and every now and then (like this morning) he lets out a loud, strangled cry that seems to indicate he's in some kind of pain. He's fourteen, which is getting up there for a cat, but I hope Dr. Levey can fix him up as I know it would be devastating for me if he were to die now...I just want him to outlive me. I'm sure Gilbert would be lost without him and I can't see myself dealing with a new cat at this point.


  1. Definitely understand about the chaos around when we get chronically sick. I got an organizer person when I was feeling weak and couldn't deal with the growing piles of Stuff. She was great, and would work at my pace until I just couldn't think straight anymore. I paid $50 an hour, had her in every 2 weeks, and felt that she was well worth it. I could see my table again! Not to mention the work we did on my files!
    I'm really in need of her again, but she's recovering from surgery, so it has to wait until she can handle the job again. You might think about asking for help in that area. I got trained in how to make the hard decisions as to what to keep and what to throw. It took a while as the pack rat in me is resistant.

  2. Frida - 揮灑烈愛 - film clip - 08


  3. Saying hi I am so glad I heard about you, stay strong, you're in my thoughts X

  4. Judi, I hope that your cat (was it Oliver?) is feeling better today. Thanks for attempting the spiritual discussion. Just being there is sometimes enough, I think.

  5. Dear Judi,

    I had a few minutes of peace and I just sent you a beautiful note and for some reason it wouldn't let me post it -- so this is another test. Unfortunately I didn't save my original note in MS Word. I'm going to try again later today.

    Thinking of you and sending you much love,

    Myra Kovary

  6. Dear Judi,

    I'm thinking of you at this very moment because Celia Brown just sent out the link to your blog to an amazing group of mad activists called WE THE PEOPLE. Celia initiated the formation of the group in honor of Esmin Green who was murdered-by-neglect in the Emergency Room of Kings County Hospital in Brooklyn last summer. We are primarily working in New York State and are working together as we have never been able to before -- very much as a result of the skills we learned at the United Nations on the Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities and also as a direct result of the work you pioneered.

    Your work to stop the horrible "treatment" of people who are considered to be mad is effectively being carried on by the next generation of mad activists, even as our generation is moving on!!

    Recently I sent you (to your personal email addresses) an MP3 of a piece of classical harp music that I played at the UN at the celebration of the Entry Into Force of the Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities in May 2008. I hope you received the MP3 and I hope you enjoy it. It is one of the pieces on a new CD I just released entitled "In Pursuit of Happiness: Five Centuries of Favorites for Solo Harp." If you would like the whole CD, I'd be happy to mail you one if you let me know where to send it. It is also available via my website at www.myrakovary.com -- either in hard copy or for digital download.

    I'm thinking of you every day and sending good vibrations to accompany you on your journey -- wherever it takes you. With love and honoring your contribution to the world from a long time comrade in the mad movement,

    Myra Kovary