A hard day

I woke up this morning really worried that I was coming down with something. My throat hurt, my head hurt, and the teeth in my lower right jaw hurt. The last thing I need right now is to have to go to the dentist! Ann was scheduled to come at eleven, Kathy called to say she'd come around noon (she's always a bit later than she predicts), and Sy, my hospice volunteer who hasn't been able to come for awhile because his wife had surgery and then complications, had called yesterday to say he could come today, so he was scheduled to come at two. Marty really needed to go help his friend Donna (who has been having a very hard time since her brother's unexpected death), and knowing I wouldn't be alone made it logical for him to go today.

Last night was one of those nights when I just didn't feel like going to sleep till quite late, so when I woke up it was after nine. I was able to make myself some tea and something to eat, and then just stayed in bed till Ann arrived. I tackled the Friday Times puzzle, but didn't get very far (the Friday and Saturday puzzles are always tough), so I put it aside to do with Marty later. I really love doing the puzzles with him--we get silly and make lots of horrible puns and laugh a lot, and laughter is so important.


I didn't have a lot of things for Ann to do, but she did some odds and ends, and it was good just to have the company. I think when she comes on Tuesday I'll have her put fresh sheets on the bed, which is a big job I can no longer do. And sometime this weekend I need to take a shower. It always feels so good, but it takes a lot of effort.


Kathy arrived about twelve thirty, and we had a good talk. I asked her if she thought I was sicker or weaker than I was when she first started seeing me, and she said that she thought my "down" periods were coming a little more frequently, and were a bit more intense. But she also said that I was a long way from dying, because, except for my COPD, my body is basically healthy and strong. I guess in a way this is good news, except that it means that everything will be really long and drawn out, and I'm not sure that's the way I'd choose--to get weaker and sicker inch by inch. The upside is that I'll get to enjoy spring, and maybe summer too. It will be so nice when I can open the door in my bedroom that leads to my secluded porch, where I always have breakfast and lunch once it's warm enough, surrounded by flowers in my windowboxes and hanging baskets.

I asked Kathy to give a message to Nancy, the chaplain, as these are issues I would like to discuss with her, and she called during the afternoon to say she'd be by some time next week. I enjoy talking to her and I hope she can help me sort out the very complicated feelings I have about how things are going.

Because I hadn't heard from Sy, my hospice volunteer, for awhile (he had called a few weeks ago to say that he hadn't been able to come because of his wife's condition), I had asked for another volunteer, and a few days ago a woman called (I can't remember her name) and we set up an appointment for next Tuesday. So it was somewhat surprising when Sy called the other day and said he could stop by today. I'm not sure if I'm going to end up with two volunteers! When Sy was here, he saw the Times puzzle that I had started, and I showed him how little I was able to do. After he left, I took another look at it, and, as often happens, was able to fill in a lot more, although there's still plenty left for Marty and me to work on.

I tried to take a nap, but wasn't able to drift off, so I'll probably go to sleep pretty early tonight. For some reason, I often feel best toward the end of the day, and today is no exception--I feel much better than I did when I woke up this morning. I'm sleepy in a pleasant way, so I may try to go to sleep pretty soon. I hope I don't wake up with my teeth aching again.