Friday, February 6, 2009


Wednesday was the worst day I've had in a long time--maybe ever. I was too weak to get out of bed, was hot and cold, and was incredibly sick to my stomach, without being able to throw up. Maybe I had a one-day flu or something on top of everything else. I finally managed to drink a few sips of tea in the mid-afternoon, and had sips of water and seltzer after that, but the mere thought of food made me cringe.

What made it worse was that Valerie and Steve were bringing dinner and we'd exchanged numerous happy e-mails planning the menu. Before they came, I told Marty that I didn't want to hear even the mention of food--the three of them could eat in the dining room, and they could come visit in my bedroom, but it was not the visit that any of us were expecting.

Julie came downstairs and called hospice and Kathy, my regular nurse, came to check things out. She gave me some morphine, which eases my breathing, but turns out to make the nausea worse--Julie called again, and they said to take some ativan to ease the nausea, and that did help. But the constant retching, and being hot and cold, were exhausting, and I kept drifting off to sleep (probably the best thing under the circumstances).

Yesterday I felt much better, just weak, and finally started eating--simple things like oatmeal, jello, ginger ale, and pasta, and today I feel back to where I was before this happened (and hungry, which is a good thing). It's 5 A.M. now and I've been up for about an hour--not surprising as I basically slept most of the last forty-eight! Eric and Laurie are visiting this afternoon, Ann will be here at eleven, and I made an appointment with the woman who is supposed to help me with my computer but I can't remember the time (I'll have to call her later and make sure I can fit her in). It's good that people will be here as Marty will be gone all day--he has to go help Donna with her car, among other things. He is terribly stressed out and I wish there were some way I could be less needy.

Anyhow, it's a relief to feel better, to get to the computer for the first time in days, and to discover that the blog has picked up even more readers.


  1. Hi Judi, sending lots of love and 'spiritual' support, as I can't be there. That sounds like a real bummer of a day you had, what a shame when you had friends around with lovely food. But I am glad you were able to eat nice settling food yesterday.

    I am thinking of you and just want you to remember, in case you ever forget, how grateful survivors like me are for the way you brought consciousness to our movement and showed us a way to be proud of who we are.

    Love and gratitude for all your amazing work


  2. I am glad that you are doing better today. It must be very scary to have days like Wednesday. I am glad that you are getting visitors today. Please, please don't worry about being needy when you are suffering. I can't speak for Marty, but when I was caring for my dying mother, I couldn't bear to see her suffering--it wasn't that she was needy, it was that I was helpless to make things better, to fix things, to do anything but be there. Being able to meet any need she expressed made me feel better, and less powerless.
    BTW, I have told Marj about your illness as you requested, and also about your blog. She is very sad. She said NARPA will never be the same if Judi isn't there, which is so true...She wants to read your blog. Her computer is broken, but she will go to the library and read it there.

  3. The exhaustion can be the morphine too. When nauseated think bland foods like cream of wheat, apple sauce mashed potatoes with cheese, mild mac and cheese. Kraft dinner is popular with many. (which most people can keep down) Ensure or Boost nutrition drinks (or whatever brand you have in the US