I woke up way too early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I had Julie's computer but couldn't get onto the Internet with it, and I didn't know where Marty had put my computer. I was feeling very agitated and when Marty woke up I started crying and couldn't stop. I was coughing a lot so he helped me to take some cough medicine. I kept saying that I wanted to die and just kept getting more and more upset. Lauren came a little after nine and helped to calm me down. I had an awful headache, so she gave me some morphine and some ativan, and got me into a more comfortable position. She spent a lot of time here, and it felt reassuring that she was taking so much time and being so patient.
Later we had a visit from Marie, the chaplain, who I liked a lot. She, Marty, and I spent a long time talking about how I was feeling and how we could all support one another. She said she'd like to visit with us once a week if we wanted her to.
After a while I started feeling cabin fever, even though we'd just been out the other day, so Marty took me out to lunch, and when we came home I thought I would take a nap, but I haven't been able to fall asleep. Maybe I'll try again. I still feel very tearful and anxious--maybe just an emotional letdown from the excitement of the other day. I've always said that it's important to keep my emotions close to the surface and just let them out, so that's what I'm doing, even with these very negative ones.