Frustration and anger

Today is one of those days when I don't have the energy to get out of bed. I did get out of the house yesterday to go to acupuncture, although Marty had to cajole me into getting dressed because I was so tired. But I am highly motivated to get to acupuncture, especially because I missed my last two appointments (one because the clinic was closed after the snowstorm, and the next because I wasn't feeling up to it). As always, it was so relaxing--at the end of the treatment, I was lying on my stomach, and when Nate, my acupuncturist, said he was done, I told him, half jokingly, "I think I will just stay here and go to sleep."

Afterwards, Marty and I went to a kosher deli in Brookline because I'd been craving some mushroom barley soup; the soup and a piece of stuffed cabbage made a very nice lunch. But when we got home I more or less crawled into bed. Later, Julie stopped by with a great gift for me and Marty: a book of 150 difficult Will Shortz crossword puzzles (called "Ferocious Crosswords") that I'm sure we will have fun with. We've already started on the first one.

I continue to hear from people I've been out of touch with; a few days ago I had an e-mail from an old friend from my Vancouver days (I lived there in 1973-74), and when I wrote back I asked about another mutual friend. It turned out that she died recently; she was told she had terminal cancer, and had just a few weeks to get things in order, gather old friends together, and experience a peaceful death. I must say I felt a little bit envious, with things dragging out here for months, and having things decline by inches. As always, I'm trying to keep my emotions on the surface, so I'm expressing a lot of anger and frustration, primarily to Marty, who understands where it's coming from and does his best to comfort me.

Most of today I've had this very unpleasant sensation of a flutter in my diaphragm, which interferes with breathing. Kathy was here in the early afternoon, and gave me some morphine (I'd already taken some earlier) and some ativan, which made me a bit more comfortable. As usually happens, I feel better as the day goes on, but on a day like today, that's not that much of an improvement. I may try to take a nap and see if that helps.

Although Marty drives me to acupuncture every Monday, there is a conference he really wants to go to next week, and I've been trying to find a substitute driver; Dorothy isn't available, Julie is starting training to be a census taker, and Ann has a class, but I have a few more people to try. I don't want to miss acupuncture, so will keep trying to find a driver. It's been months since I felt strong enough to drive myself.

Ted left a short while ago, my next visitor will be Florence, who arrives a week from today. We talk on the phone at least once a day, and it will be wonderful to have her here.