Why?

There are no answers to these questions. Why does it take so long to die? Why am I growing weaker so slowly? Why is every little thing such a struggle? Why can't I just go to sleep and not wake up?

People get upset when they hear me talking this way. I'm supposed to keep feeling "optimistic" and not give in to "depression," but I don't think these labels apply. To me, an "optimistic" outcome is one that will get me out of this limbo, and I am not depressed but am quite realistically evaluating my situation. I'm bored, and can distract myself only to a limited degree by reading or watching TV. I still enjoy visiting with people more than just about anything else. I had an e-mail from Dorothy that Laura won't be able to come tomorrow but Dorothy will be coming, and Laura will visit another time. Tim was here for a few hours today, which was enjoyable.

I didn't get a good night's sleep last night because Marty had a restless night and spent most of the night in the study. But each time I woke up I was able to get back to sleep after reading for five minutes or so. I've dozed a little bit during the day but am hoping for a solid night's sleep tonight, as the increased dose of amitriptyline usually does the trick.

Marty is going to get Donna tomorrow and on Saturday, weather permitting (and my having sufficient energy) we'll be going to the Topsfield Fair (www.topsfieldfair.org). which I hope will be fun. I don't mind getting tired from doing something interesting--in fact, I welcome it.