I haven't actually felt like doing much of anything. I'm tired and weak and everything is such an effort. My physical condition continues to decline, and I just don't understand why I'm hanging on here, feeling so lousy and miserable.
Last night was one of those nights when I just didn't want to go to sleep, and I was watching TV and puttering around on the computer until after four. So naturally today I was really out of it, and was dozing through a lot of the afternoon.
It's a bit after eleven now and I'm going to put out the light in a few minutes and see if I can sleep. Earlier today, Marty, Julie, and I had a difficult discussion with Joan, the interim social worker, about money and the future and Marty's plans. I know that Julie wants him to move out within some reasonable time after I die, so she can rent the apartment, and this makes him feel disrespected and unappreciated. Although I appeared to be asleep during much of this conversation, I was actually following it, and felt very much put in the middle and being tugged in opposite directions. I just want everyone to get along and to recapture that peaceful feeling I had a few weeks ago when I thought things were reaching the end point.
I can see only negatives in continuing to live--using up my money, creating more tension between Marty and Julie, and experiencing physical and emotional misery.