Thursday, October 1, 2009

I haven't felt much like writing

I haven't actually felt like doing much of anything. I'm tired and weak and everything is such an effort. My physical condition continues to decline, and I just don't understand why I'm hanging on here, feeling so lousy and miserable.

Last night was one of those nights when I just didn't want to go to sleep, and I was watching TV and puttering around on the computer until after four. So naturally today I was really out of it, and was dozing through a lot of the afternoon.

It's a bit after eleven now and I'm going to put out the light in a few minutes and see if I can sleep. Earlier today, Marty, Julie, and I had a difficult discussion with Joan, the interim social worker, about money and the future and Marty's plans. I know that Julie wants him to move out within some reasonable time after I die, so she can rent the apartment, and this makes him feel disrespected and unappreciated. Although I appeared to be asleep during much of this conversation, I was actually following it, and felt very much put in the middle and being tugged in opposite directions. I just want everyone to get along and to recapture that peaceful feeling I had a few weeks ago when I thought things were reaching the end point.

I can see only negatives in continuing to live--using up my money, creating more tension between Marty and Julie, and experiencing physical and emotional misery.


  1. That is a tough situation. I take it that Marty couldn't afford the rent on the apartment. Perhaps he could pay part for a while, if Julie would go for that.

    Our son and his wife can't pay what the apartment upstairs is worth, but they pay about 25% of it and help out with mowing and such. Right now they're fixing up the tub surround that has had a leak and mildew problem for 10 years or so. I'm grateful.

  2. Hi Judi,
    Sending you a big hug and lots of love,

  3. Judi, I know that there is nothing I can say or do that would be of any practical help, but I want you to know that I still care about you a lot. For all our ups and downs, I want to tell you too that I am very grateful you have been in my life.


  4. How amazing you are so awake and present to what is going on around you. How amazing that Marty and Julie are having this conversation within earshot of you. For all the discomfort of the situation, I applaud each one of you for saying what is important to you rather than playing games. You are an inspiration for the possibility of straight talk and what it takes to work through the challenges surrounding death and loss. Thank you Judi for making this conversation available to us all.