Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Tired, frustrated, and anxious

Maybe it's the letdown after the trip, but I feel so tired and with so little to look forward to. My medical condition has plateaued at a very low level, leaving me too tired to do much but apparently too healthy to die. And all the tension between Julie and me is sapping my emotional energy. As always, I'm trying to keep my emotions on the surface and let myself cry when I need to cry.

I'm turning my thoughts to Thanksgiving, which we will keep small--just Marty and me, plus Donna and possibly one or two other friends. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday--with no religious significance, it's about community and mutual support, two things of great significance in my life. We've figured out a menu most of which can be prepared in advance, and which will leave lots of great leftovers. Planning a lovely meal with friends is a good way to keep my mind off all of this bad stuff. And I really do love turkey and gravy and cranberry sauce and all that good stuff.

A lot of people find it silly, but I really do like to use Thanksgiving as a time to reflect on and appreciate the things in my life I am thankful for. Even with all the things that are so bad in my life, dying of this awful disease, as well as the estrangement from my daughter, the amazing thing is that I still really do have things to be thankful for. Having Marty in my life and seeing daily evidence of his love and devotion is the biggest, and almost as big is the care I get from hospice, helping me to maximize the time that I have and make it as good as possible.

This morning I got an e-mail from a Website called disease.com, saying that they had selected my blog as a "Top Blog," which they will list on their site and giving me a banner about it to display on mine. I took a look at the site but can't figure out who sponsors it--it doesn't seem to be primarily commercial, but I would like to find out more about it. It does seem that it would get me a lot more readers.


  1. It is an extraordinary tribute to your strength that you are able to be thankful for the positive things in your life now despite the heart-breaking stress that is swirling around you and threatening to rob you of the peace of mind you crave. I'm so glad we are friends.
    Love, Hopey

  2. You still are the greatest inspiration Judi,
    wishing you an easier time,I`ll never forget your visit to Wales,
    Mike Lawson

  3. Hi Judi,
    Agree with Mike that you are an inspiration.
    Thinking about you lots.