Today was not as good as yesterday, but definitely better than Wednesday. I've been able to get into my chair and have spent most of the day here, but I've been coughing a lot all day, and I've had a headache a lot of the day (although much milder than the one the other day). Louise was here this morning to check me out, and we had a meeting with Nancy, the social worker, reviewing the emotional roller coaster I've been on the last few weeks. It feels good to just let out my emotions and try to figure out what are the best steps for me to take from here.
Meanwhile, I've had some opportunities to use my brain--a MindFreedom International (http://www.mindfreedom.org/) board teleconference, a phone interview for a Website on recovery and empowerment, and some e-mail correspondence with the hospice lobbying group. I'm hoping I feel strong and focused enough next week to write something for them. Recognizing that I still can do useful work certainly helps my overall mood, since in general I feel so discouraged.
The scariest thing right now is that I could end up plateauing at this level for an indefinite time period. To weak to wash or dress myself, needing help to go to the bathroom or brush my teeth, getting outside only on special occasions with lots of support and paraphernalia--this is not the life I want.
There are still nice things to look forward to--like Thanksgiving--but, in general, I don't see all that much to get excited about. I'm so tired, and I'm so tired of being tired.