Saturday, December 12, 2009

Tired and weak

Today was a day that never seemed to get started--I woke up several times and then drifted off to sleep again. At one point, I asked Marty to bring me my morning cup of tea, and then I must have fallen asleep again because when I opened my eyes it was on my bedside table, with no sense of time having passed, so I didn't have my breakfast till about ten.

A few days ago I asked Lauren to get a walker for me, to make it easier to get from the bedroom to the living room, and it was delivered the next day. It definitely helps to have something to lean on, but it is still an exhausting walk that leaves me needing to catch my breath. I've spent all day in my chair, again falling asleep several times, and now I guess I should start thinking about getting back to bed for the night.

Marty and I have been lighting Hannukah candles since yesterday, but he decided to invite some people to celebrate with us at the end of the holiday rather than the beginning, when he will make latkes (potato pancakes) from his mother's recipe. I hope that I'll feel strong enough to sit at the table, as I did at Thanksgiving, and I'm looking forward to the latkes, which I love.

I've been having strange jittery feelings inside my body, and several times my knees have started to shake uncontrollably, which is very scary. But I've been coughing less today, which is a good thing and I hope is giving my abdominal muscles some time to heal. Just sitting and resting all day is tiring.

The advocacy part of my brain is still working well. This morning there was a story in the Boston Globe about a ninety eight year old woman accused of murdering her one hundred year old nursing home roommate, and I immediately sent a letter to the editor about what an awful way that is to spend one's final years, sharing a small room and a bathroom with a stranger--that it is certainly not a life anyone would choose. I feel fairly confident that they will print it, and I'm still hopeful that the Times will take my op-ed piece. At the same time that I find it hard to find the words to express simple things I need, it's strange that I can still write clearly and coherently.


  1. Hi Judi,
    Happy to read from you again after the days of silence, although it makes me unhappy to read about your struggle. I have copied one remark from your diary yesterday which I will citate in my lectures about mental suffering: "Asking for help is the beginning of regaining control, which is hard to see when I feel so overwhelmed". This is also so true when you are overwhelmed with mental distress. You say you can't express the simple things. Well, I think you still have this talent!!! Best wishes, wilma boevink

  2. This whole issue of loss of control is so complex. I have become so dependent on other people because I can do so little for myself, but as long as I am able to direct my care I still have ultimate control. Marty and I have talked a lot about what I want if and when I reach a point where I can no longer express my wishes as to what I want. I just hope that I will feel my needs are being met.