Things were bad on Sunday, but they've improved and I've been feeling relatively good since. I guess I just have to allow myself some occasional attacks of the blues. It doesn't do any good to suppress my feelings, even the most negative ones; I think it's important to allow myself to feel whatever I'm feeling, which I think is the best way to bounce back from these episodes.
My biggest problem the last two nights has been sleeplessness. I usually take two amitriptyline in the evening to help me sleep, but I ran out of the medication the other day; and it has been working less well recently in any case. When Lauren was here on Monday we discussed increasing the dose from twenty to thirty milligrams, and I'm going to try the new dose tonight. Lauren and the hospice doctor suggested I try an antidepressant that is also used as a sleep aid, but after doing a bit of Web research I decided this was a drug I didn't want to take.
In addition, last night I had an arthritis flare-up, which doesn't happen very often; Celebrex has been a wonder drug for me, and these flare-ups are quite rare, and usually subside pretty quickly. But starting on Tuesday evening and all through the night I was aching all over--knees, elbows, wrists--which also made it hard to sleep. I think I finally fell asleep around three AM, and then had a series of bad dreams about being in various kinds of pain and discomfort, which I guess was a representation of what I was feeling. I'm hoping it's over--I'm not feeling any discomfort right now.
I've been a problematic sleeper most of my life; oddly, since I've been so sick I've been sleeping better, probably because I get so tired just from breathing. So I'm hoping that tonight, with the sleep deficit I've been building up, and the increased amitriptyline dose, I'll get some good, sound sleep.
Things are moving along with the celebration, which is now just eight days away. A bunch more people have RSVP'ed, and we're now well over a hundred attendees, including many people whom I haven't seen for ten years or more. It's been really great to see how many people that I've worked with over the years want to be a part of this. Marty has been working hard on lots of details, including name tags which identify people both by name and by their connection to me (since many people won't know one another, we thought this would be a good icebreaker).
Julie is driving to New Jersey on Friday, and will spend Friday and Saturday nights at Florence's house, and then drive back with her on Sunday. It will give Julie a mini-vacation, which I think will be a good thing for her. I am so excited about seeing Florence, who will be staying here for a week.
I'm expecting Nancie (as she's told me she spells her name), my home health aide, to be here soon; I'm looking forward to a shower and feeling clean. And tomorrow Laurel is taking me to get a pedicure.
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